Farce Effect
by AngelArch
Summary: A lieutenant who's a complete punching bag. A chief who's an alt-right, conspiracy theorist. An asari scientist who's a total tweak. And a smoking hot turian mall-cop. Can the bumbling and loose-cannon Commander Caleb Shepard both seduce this Prince of Palaven and lead his dysfunctional crew to stop Saren before shit hits the fan? Answer: Probably not. - Farce Parody OOC Non-Canon
1. Chapter 1

Notes: If you had read this fic before, do bear in mind that I switched the POV to Garrus'.

Disclaimer: Believe it or not, I do not actually own Mass Effect, so yeah...don't sue me please.

* * *

Chapter One Premise:

Commander Caleb Shepard presents evidence in the Citadel Council Chambers to a reluctant Council of Saren Arterius' defection, in light of Nihlus Kryik's murder. It's clear that to sway them, Shepard must employ his renowned intelligence and diplomacy, certainly no problem for the man often considered humanity's finest Spectre candidate.

* * *

"DIE, YA UGLY BASTARD!"

Commander Caleb Shepard yelled these words as eight hastily-fired rounds from his Elkoss pistol hit squarely in the face of a smug Saren Arterius...and sailed right through, ricocheting off the wall behind him. Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko gingerly spoke up from behind him.

"Commander, I believe that's a video projection of Saren, not his actual body."

"I...know, Lieutenant. Don't give me technicalities."

"I know. It's just that you tend to forget that, so I wanted to make sure you-"

"Kaiden. Just...go and wait in the cab."

"But Commander, I-"

"Now."

The disheartened Alenko looked first to the visibly annoyed Citadel Councilmembers, then to the red hologram projection of the disgruntled Saren Arterius to his left, and then to the apathetic Chief Ashley Williams to his right for support. Finding none, he quietly shuffled off down the Citadel's Council Chamber steps, where he eventually found a Citadel Rapid Transit-owned X3M shuttle to flag down.

Alenko left the scene of a trial more momentous than those in attendance even realized. The rafters were packed with spectators of nearly every advanced Council Space race, consisting mostly of the wealthy and Citadel politicians. They witnessed the scene where our story starts, where Commander Caleb Shepard was to prove to the Council standing before him of the treacherous Saren Arterius' sacrilege of his own Spectre title, following the death of fellow Spectre Nihlus Kryik at his hands back on Eden Prime, the site of a controversial geth appearance. Surely, the task was child's play for the man slated to become humanity's Spectre, a title bestowed only on those possessing prowess and intelligence of the highest echelon.

The momentous trial in question resumed when the agitated Asari Councillor cleared her throat before addressing the Commander.

"Mr. Shepard-"

"Commander."

"Commander, must I warn you again of the Council Chamber's policies on the unwarranted use of firearms?"

"Don't listen to 'em, Skipper," chimed in Chief Williams. "It's just another one of the aliens' ploys to take away our guns"

"I don't think that's what this is about," mentioned the worried Salarian Councilor.

"1776 WILL COMMENCE AGAIN IF YOU TRY TO TAKE OUR FIREARMS."

"Spirits, damn that Ajex Lones," the Turian Councilor muttered to himself.

The ever-patient asari sighed and began again.

"Mr. Shepard-"

"Commander."

"Commander, let me assure you that I am not simply trying to restrict your freedoms-"

"SECOND AMENDMENT BITCHES. READ IT," Williams yelled in a low and husky voice.

"Damn it, that's for America!" said the turian.

"-and THIS is about the man who is currently bleeding out due to your ricocheted shots, Commander," the asari snapped.

Shepard and Williams took a moment to scan the vicinity, finding a young salarian janitor in the far corner of the Chambers, softly sobbing as he attempted to vainly mop up the fresh blood still leaking out of the bullet-fragment wounds he took to the chest. Shepard turned back to the Council, slowly nodding and biting his lower lip.

"Well...custodial work can be surprisingly dangerous. He should have known the risks when he took this job-"

"HE'S A DAMNED JAN..." The turian paused to collect himself before turning to the asari. "Can we just proceed, please?"

"Gladly...Commander Shepard, we have reviewed the evidence you submitted against Saren Arterius, and we find no reason to simply trust the testimony of one terrified, human dockworker," The asari paused before continuing. "Considering he was forced into testifying."

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Shepard said after a moment of thought.

The stern-looking Asari Councillor then pulled up images from her omni-tool and directed Shepard and Williams to a screen where they were projected. They were still-frame images from a video recording on the dockworker's omni-tool, many of them depicting the graphic and brutal methods Shepard employed in forcing the terrified dockworker into testifying.

"Oh, c'mon," Shepard cried, shrugging his shoulders. "This could've easily have been falsified."

The Asari Councillor clicked to the next slide.

"You know how good technology can be-"

*CLICK*

"That could be anyone's N7 armor-"

*CLICK*

"-and anyone in it-"

*CLICK*

"-who looks exactly like me-"

*CLICK*

"He works on a dock, so he probably just slipped-"

*CLICK*

"-on a fishing pole-"

*CLICK*

"-that landed is his eye-"

*CLICK*

"-and neck-"

*CLICK*

"Wait, am I thinking about the right kind of dock?"

"Mr. Shepard-" the asari interjected.

"Commander."

"Com…" The Councilor paused to rub her temples. "A blind vorcha could see that's clearly you."

"I would like an official inquiry."

"WE ARE THE OFFICIAL INQUIRY," piped up the turian.

"And you're just going to take the testimony of one terrified, human dockworker?!"

"GODDAMMIT, WE JUST SAID TH-"

"ENOUGH!" The asari declared, slapping her palms on her podium. "Commander, the Council has found no evidence of any connection between Saren and the geth. Your petition to have him disbarred from the Spectres is denied."

The smug Saren Arterius chuckled as he looked down upon the Commander from his hologram projection.

"Glad to see justice was served."

"DIE…" the infuriated Shepard shouted, unholstering his Elkoss. "AGAIN."

The Commander fired six more rounds at the screen, only to have them ricochet off once again. The soft, helpless yelp of a young salarian could be heard in the background, followed by a dull, lifeless thud. A small cheer erupted from the crowd up in the rafters as Williams sighed before addressing the Commander.

"Commander-"

"Dammit, Williams. Gets me every time."

"But he's, like, red and glowing."

"I mean...what if actually he is?"

"And about fifty feet tall."

"Turians tend to be on the taller side-"

"Councilmembers-," began Captain David Anderson.

"Wait, you're still here?" the startled Shepard uttered.

"-there's still one outstanding issue. Commander Shepard's vision. It may have been triggered by the beacon."

"Oh... yes," The Turian Councillor sighed. "How could we have forgotten about the Commander's dream?"

"Here we go," Shepard voiced eagerly, rubbing his palms together. "Now we're gettin' somewhere."

"Yes, his...vivid recollection of his homosexual turian threesome was...striking. His description of the late Nihlus Kryik's private parts was particularly...enthralling."

An ominously long pause commenced. Williams appeared disgusted and ready to vomit. The Asari Councillor appeared warm and began fanning herself. Anderson held his forehead with his hand and glared over at an embarrassed Shepard.

"Captain, the only instructions you gave me were 'tell the council about the dream you had that night.'"

"DAMMIT, SHEPARD. I SAID VISION. VISION-"

"I...may have missed that part-"

"Commander," the Asari Councilor hesitantly cut in. "How long was that dream, by the way?"

"Well, I was in a coma, so-"

"So," continued the asari, suddenly in a more hopeful-sounding voice. "You're saying there was more?"

"ENOUGH!" bellowed Ambassador Donnel Udina, again startling Shepard.

"Wait, you're here too?"

"C'mon, let's go. They've already made up their minds."

"You can't do this!" yelled Williams to the Turian Councillor. "Just because we're humans-"

"Oh, put it back in the deck!"

Arterius laughed at this remark, again enraging the Commander. Before he could draw his gun, Anderson restrained Shepard. Williams, who was busy flipping off Arterius, was restrained by Udina, and the two were slowly dragged out of the Council Chambers amidst the boos from the previously entertained audience in the rafters.

* * *

Shepard and Williams stood with their arms crossed across their chests, staring at the pacing Ambassador Udina. Captain Anderson also stood on the balcony, looking over the passing hovercars and shuttles that darted across the Presidium's common area. It's an area of intense beauty, dotted with trees, parks, fountains, and individuals of nearly every advanced species known to Council Space. Udina, however, appeared too distracted to admire the beauty of such a view at that moment. He took a deep breath before turning to face Commander Shepard.

"Everything. Everything you said...made it worse. You couldn't have SCRIPTED that...to make it go worse. I was going to stop you sooner, but I was too busy imagining you without skin."

"I hardly see how this is the time to be imagining me naked!"

"Not what I meant, you imbecile."

"And you have the audacity to say this to the man who saved the prothean beacon," Chief Williams pointed out.

"He destroyed the prothean beacon."

"SAME DAMNED THING."

"Well, it just sort of isn't-"

"Besides," Shepard butted in, pointing his thumb to the Chief. "I did it to save Clumsy McWilliams over here."

"Sorry, Commander...it...looked like one of those Prothean phallic symbols you see on the history vids."

"God, they were that skinny?" asked the astonished Commander.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?"

"And we wonder why they died out."

"And here I am, wondering why we haven't died out," Udina muttered under his breath.

"WE ARE NOT GOING TO SAVE THIS GALAXY FROM A BALCONY," declared the fired-up Captain Anderson, finally turning around to address the group. "We need to get to work, go over the plan once again."

Shepard cocked his head accusingly to the Ambassador.

"Yeah, focus...UDINA."

"You orphaned, Earth-born sack of-"

"PLANS. Plans, people" interupted the Captain. "We need to find that turian you ran into earlier, the one who said he may have something on Saren."

The Captain was of course referring to a certain turian C-Sec Agent...me.

See, I had previously ran into Commander Shepard before on his way to speak to the Council, but our conversation was cut short (or rather, ceased to begin) when he shoved past me, thinking I was going to write him a ticket for parking the Normandy in the handi-capped wing of the docks. I still had the chance of running into Captain Anderson, whom I had told I would be heading for a medical clinic, following my rather promising leads on my own investigation into Saren. If the crew were to have any chance at stopping the rogue Spectre, then they needed to find me.

"Great... the mall-cop," Shepard muttered to Anderson.

"C-SEC AGENT, Commander. Once again, a C-Sec Agent...I say you two split up and cover more ground that way."

"Nuh, uhh," Williams asserted, shaking her head to the Captain. "I ain't leaving Shepard's side. If I gotta get diseases from these filthy aliens, he's getting them too."

"Relax Chief, most of their diseases don't transfer over to humans. Besides, most of them vaccinate anyways-"

"OHH, GREAT. THEY VACCINATE TOO?"

"Dammit, he said the V-word," Shepard muttered to himself before Williams continued.

"Anderson, did you know that vaccines are responsible for 97% of Kepral's Syndrome cases in drell? An independent, salarian study showed that from 2169 to 2179, a total of 37,821 drell babies who were administered with-"

"Remind me to have Joker block Ajex Lones from the Normany's streaming service when we get back," Shepard said aloud.

"Don't listen to the globalists, Commander! THERE'S A WAR ON FOR YOUR MIND!"

"Both of you!" Captain Anderson snapped, stomping his foot on the ground. "DISMISSED."

With that, Shepard and Williams reluctantly saluted and turned around to exit the balcony area, on their way to find me. Anderson spun around to look over the balcony's edge once again. Udina soon turned as well and walked to meet with the Captain. Placing his hands on the balcony's railing, he looked over to Anderson, with an ominous look of worry painted on his face.

"Is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy?"

Anderson turned his head to face the Ambassador in a dramatic fashion.

"That's the only kind of person who can protect the galaxy."

"Umm...excuse me?"

"'Have,' sorry. That's the only person we HAVE to protect the galaxy. Yeah, our recruitment pool's been pretty small since we switched the pensions to 401k's."

Udina sighed as he shook his head.

"But still. I have faith in Shepard," continued the Captain. "He's a good kid with a good heart. His methods can be...unorthodox, let's say. But out of he we got, he's the one. I've seen his work, first-hand. He can get things done."

"Alright, if you say so. See if you can learn anything more about Saren's connection with the geth, I've gotta make a call."

Anderson nodded as he departed, leaving the Ambassador alone on the balcony. Udina glanced over his shoulder as the door closed before using his omni-tool to make a call. It rang a few times before he got through to a man with a gravelly, fiendish-sounding voice.

"Are you alone?" began the ominous man via omni-tool.

"Not to worry. They're gone."

"Good. And you had me concerned in there, Ambassador. At first, I thought Shepard's antics had gone a little too far."

"Hey, have a little faith in me. Despite everything, Anderson is still on board to make him Spectre, but the Council is not yet convinced. It's exactly what you wanted, isn't it? The Commander's now searching for scraps, looking for some turian C-Sec Agent I believe."

"...a mall-cop?"

"A C-SEC AGENT...nevermind...doesn't matter. Probably just chasing after a red-herring anyway. Already sounds desperate to me, so I wouldn't have too much to worry about if I were you."

"Good, good. Keep up the good work, Ambassador. I knew I was right to pick you. Just keep me informed of any updates."

"Thank you…m'lord."

* * *

"Goddammit, hurry up."

"No."

Commander Caleb Shepard waited impatiently for Chief Ashley Williams to put her hand sanitizer in her pack. The hustle and bustle of the alien-dominated Citadel lower markets tended to make her nervous. Shops manned by every species dotted the walls, pawning their goods. A visibly upset human man could be heard complaining about a refused refund to a turian shopkeeper in the background. Williams ran to catch up to Shepard before speaking.

"Well, Skipper. Don't come crying to me when you get syphilis."

"YOU CAN'T GET...shut up. Besides, gotta admit, we've made pretty good time around here. We've learned a remarkable amount of information about Citadel history and Council Space race-relations mostly from complete strangers, scanned twenty-one keepers around the Citadel and mended the friendship between the two people who asked us to do it, told that turian general to screw off and stop slandering the asari consort, gave an autograph to a total creep, agreed to be an informant for a journalist, told a C-Sec handler to stop using a teenager to bust a mods-running ring that I then had to bust, agreed to murder two crime bosses for another crime boss, told some zealot hanar to fuck off, and stopped the Presidium from blowing to kindom-come due to a suicidal AI-program. Amazing what you can get done in a few hours around here."

"And most of that time was spent with the asari consort afterwards."

"Hey...Sha'ira offers all sorts of satisfaction for every kind of customer. That does not mean we-"

"Had sex? Of course you didn't, Skipper. Especially considering, ya know, your little 'problem'?"

"I'm going to pretend I have no idea what you're talking about, Chief."

Williams chuckled as an aggravated Shepard placed his hand on her shoulder, signalling for her to stop walking. He motioned toward the sign above them to the left. It was a neon Medic Cross above a doorway, below it reading "Chloe Michel, M.D."

"Wait, this is the place, right?" asked Williams.

"Yeah…where that mall-cop was heading. What's his name again, in case he's still here?"

"Gar-Us Vack-Are-..." Williams struggled to pronounce my name as she squinted at her omni-tool. "Goddammit, why can't these illiterate aliens just learn english already?"

"BECAUSE THEY...nevermind, we'll learn it from him anyway. Just be ready when we enter the door, you never know if we're walking straight into a hostage situation or something."

Williams nodded her head and placed her hand on her assault rifle. Shepard did the same with his Elkoss pistol as he gingerly entered the clinic. Inside, about four armed men harassed a visibly scared woman. They turned to face Shepard and Williams, guns drawn, before the Commander gave a weak chuckle.

"Heh. Lucky guess-"

"Hey!" barked one of the assailants. "This doesn't involve you, jagoff-"

"Nobody panic, okay?" The Commander began, clearly panicked. "I'm just looking for a doctor and we'll be out of your hair. My wife here is, like, extra pregnant, and we're looking to buy some...umm...ultrasounds and...tampons, and stuff."

"Really Skipper?" Williams quietly muttered, looking over to the Commander. "Like they're going to believe I'm pregnant?"

"No...well, actually..."

"WHAT THE FU-"

A well-placed shot from my sniper rifle cut off the Chief's exclamation as it sunk squarely in the middle of the forehead of the distracted gunman standing inches beside the terrified woman. Shepard and Williams quickly sprung into action, taking out the remaining gunmen with ease. Shepard holstered his Elkoss after he saw me stand up from my cover, my smoking sniper rifle resting on my shoulder.

"So...doing more than just writing parking tickets I see," were the first words the Commander ever spoke to me. "Good shot."

"Heh, giving out parking tickets gets more violent than you would imagine," I replied. "Nice distraction, by the way. Quite...elaborate."

"Yep...all planned out. That's what that was."

"Either way, good to see you again...for longer this time. Garrus Vakarian, C-Sec."

"So THAT'S how you say it," uttered Williams aloud.

"Ignore her. Commander Caleb Shepard, Alliance Military."

"DON'T SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM!" yelled the Chief to Shepard with desperation in her voice as the Commander stuck his hand out towards me.

"I'm sorry?" I asked, a bit confused.

"Ohh, for Christ's sake, Chief."

Shepard took the hand sanitizer offered to him from Williams and violently threw it across the room. Williams, annoyed, ran over to retrieve it. Shepard then turned back to me.

"So where's this doctor we've heard so much about?"

"Uhh...I believe that's her."

Shepard followed my pointed finger to find the petrified woman standing right next to him. The side of her face, hair, shoulders, and chest were caked with the blood and brains of the man I shot right beside her. Her right eye was also glued shut from the blood streaming down her forehead. She was clearly traumatized, shaking and whimpering, doing everything in her power to stop herself from sliding over the edge into a complete emotional breakdown.

"Ohh...YOU'RE THE DOCTOR!" realized Shepard. "Jeez, for a med-clinic, you sure keep this place a mess, hah!"

Dr. Chloe Michel shook a little, letting out a small gasp in panic.

"Umm...here, let me help you out a little. Okay, let's see here."

At that moment, Shepard tried to wipe the blood and brain from the face of the frozen doctor. But if I'm being honest...he wasn't much help.

The blood simply smeared to the other side of her face, and when Shepard proceeded to comb through her matted hair with his fingers, a chunk of brain he attempted to remove simply rolled down Michel's face, landing on her quivering lower lip.

"Gosh for a doctor, you'd think you'd be just a LITTLE more comfortable with the sight of blood. Where'd you get your med degree, Barbados? Hah!"

Michel began to softly weep.

"Jeez, tough crowd. Garrus, you wanna handle this one?"

"Umm, yeah," I responded, rather eagerly. "Dr. Michel, could you please tell us what that was about? Why were these men trying to hurt you?"

Dr. Michel attempted to speak, but was interrupted by small bouts of uncontrollable sobbing.

"Damned foreigners," muttered Williams, mourning at her empty hand-sanitizer bottle.

"Here, let me," Shepard offered, proceeding in a slow, loud, and enunciated voice. "HEY THERE FRENCHIE, HABLA USTED INGLES?"

"Shepard, I got this," I insisted, placing my hand on the Commander's shoulder before turning to the Doctor. "Dr. Michel, we are here to help you. Can you please tell us what those men wanted? You can trust u...me."

Slowly, with my charismatic and gentle touch and Shepard's...assistance, Dr. Michel relayed the events of the past moments. The men who assaulted her, working for a man named Fist, wished for her to keep quiet about a certain quarian who came to her and may have had information on the geth, information that Saren would certainly want. Furthermore, Fist defected from his work with the Shadow Broker to side with Saren, a stunning slight against the Shadow Broker that most would not dare.

"That's all we need," Shepard declared. "C'mon, let's talk outside this bloody hovel she calls a 'Med-Clinic.'"

Shepard, Williams, and I turned to leave the clinic. On the way out, Shepard nearly tripped over the leg of a dead gunman.

"And you can't just leave this lying around! It's a goddamned tripping hazard."

Outside, we quietly huddled-up to discuss our plan.

"Commander," started Williams. "Remember what Udina said about you making everything worse with what you say?"

"Yeah, nevermind that. Garrus," he said, turning to me. "Sounds like we gotta go after this quarian."

"Agreed. This your show, Shepard," I responded. "But I want to bring Saren down as much as you do. I'm coming with you!"

I could tell that Shepard had to think about this for a moment. Yes, he knew he could use all the help he could get in defeating Saren, a task certainly to be monumental in scale. Plus, from that brief foray in the clinic, Shepard realized that I had one of the best shots with a sniper rifle in close range that he had ever seen. But…

"Fat chance," declared Shepard and Williams, simultaneously.

"What?" I uttered.

"I DON'T WANT SYPHILIS."

"But-"

"Again, ignore her," the Commander interjected, silencing Williams.

"I don't even know her name-"

"Sorry, but I ain't carting around a mall-cop all day," Shepard continued.

He just had to say it, didn't he?

"I am a Citadel Security Agent," I responded with bated breath, more than a little peeved. "More commonly known as a C-Sec Agent."

"Yes, the utmost authority in halting shoplifting on the Citadel!" he responded in dramatic fashion.

"I mean, we do that, but-"

"Showing valiance and bravery in their efforts to escort drunk asari out of Flux!"

"That's only happened like...four times...or five-"

"Stopping at nothing to prevent me from parking in the Citadel handi-capped spots close to my gate!"

"Well...wait, that was you?"

"Sorry, not gonna happen," Shepard said, shaking his head.

"And, besides," chimed in Williams. "Why do you even want to go after Saren? He's a turian."

"He's...a traitor to the Council...and a DISGRACE to my people!" I stated passionately before clearing my throat, proceeding in a more reserved fashion. "And he swiped the last Cipritine Raiders ticket right out from under me back in the '79 semi-finals."

Shepard looked on, aghast.

"How the Hell did he do that?"

"Invoked Spectre authority at the ticket counter."

"Bastard."

"I KNOW, RIGHT?"

"Aight, welcome aboard," he said, finally conceding.

"UGH," grunted the Chief.

"I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Again-"

"Ignore her, got it," I nodded. "Anyway, what's our game plan, Shepard?"

"We've heard word of a krogan, one who apparently had some sort of bone to pick with Fist. He could be useful, let's snag him first."

"Sure," piped up the Chief. "Let's recruit EVERY GODDAMNED ALIEN we see. Let's rack up those diversity hires? Why not?!"

"CHIEF!" yelled the exasperated Commander.

* * *

"Jeez, I knew the krogan had four testicles," I sighed. "Didn't know they had four assholes, too."

"I think we're making a bit of a scene here," responded Shepard.

"I don't think these guys will mind very much," Williams said smugly, smiling and admiring her handiwork.

Shepard, Williams, and I looked around at the dead bodies strewn about Chora's Den, the club Fist owned, as we impatiently waited for Urdnot Wrex to return from the Den's bathroom. Urdnot, the krogan hired on as a mercenary by the Shadow Broker to eliminate Fist would prove a useful asset in our quest...eventually.

"Still," continued Shepard. "A twenty minute bathroom break right before catching Fist does sort of spoil the climax a bit."

I then turned to face Williams.

"Did you have to kill the strippers too?" I asked.

"They could have been asari commandos," she responded.

"That's...unlikely."

"And Shepard," Williams said, turning to the Commander. "By the way, how the Hell did you manage to convince the krogan to follow us?"

"Well, while you were off buying more hand sanitizer," Shepard began. "I found him over at C-Sec-"

"The hand sanitizer you dumped-"

"Yeah, whatever-"

"And?"

"One word. It starts with 'G-,' ends with…umm...'-enophage.'"

"Works every time," Williams said, smiling to herself.

"Exactly. Tell a krogan you're a bunch of armed martyrs looking to right the wrongs of the genophage, they'll be lining up to help you in no time."

"You don't actually intend on curing the genophage while you're out there saving the galaxy, do you Shepard?" I asked sheepishly, turning to the Commander.

"Oh for God's sake, no."

"Thank the Lord," Williams sighed in relief.

At that moment, Shepard put his hand to his ears and dramatically turned to face Williams.

"Wait, do you hear that?"

"What?"

"I think...yes, I think that's the sound of us reaching an agreement on race relations for the first time!"

"Yes!" exclaimed Williams, excitedly. "I mean, seriously? How can you think of curing the genophage? Clearly, it didn't go far enough!"

"Wait...do you hear that also?"

"What?"

"And THERE GOES OUR AGREEMENT."

"Pfft. Liberals."

The sound of a strained toilet flushing prompted Shepard to shoosh Williams and I. Moments later, Urdnot Wrex hobbled out of the bathroom, clearly in pain.

"Oooph. Thank Vaul no one around here is alive to use that."

"Ohh, don't mind us," remarked Shepard. "Just chilling here, not worried Fist is using this time to escape, not a problem."

"Listen. I clearly told that turian at the food stand 'Levo-.' 'LEVO-.' Guess what he decides to give me instead?"

"And you still ate it?" I asked, my mandibles flexed.

"...would you not?"

"Jesus Christ," sighed Shepard, turning his head to face me. "Anyway, Fist is behind that door over there, right?"

"Yes," I responded. "Guns ready, everyone?"

Shepard, Williams, and Urdnot all nodded their heads, drawing their weapons. I nodded back and led the charge, entering the doorway ahead of us. Inside, two armed human warehouse workers stood in our way to Fist, timid but defiant.

"Stop right there! Don't come any closer!"

"Warehouse workers," I stated. "All the real guards must be de-"

The trigger-happy Williams then sank two bullets right into the foreheads of the two workers from her assault rifle, causing them to drop, their blood splatting onto my face and mouth.

"That," I muttered, stopping to spit out the taste of human blood. "Works too."

"No time," insisted the Chief, turning her head to face the struggling Wrex. "We've wasted enough because of SHIT-FOR-BRAINS OVER HERE."

"NOT. IN. THE. MOOD," the krogan painfully uttered.

I shook my head and plowed on, stepping over the dead workers, Shepard, Williams, and Urdnot in tow. We passed through the doorway ahead...and straight into a firefight with Fist and his turrets.

Fist proved a worthy adversary, but nothing the four of us couldn't handle. Following a lengthy hurricane of bullets and shrapnel, he soon lay wounded on the floor, having failed to weather the storm. We slowly approached him, his hand up towards us in a feeble attempt to shield himself from further violence.

"Don't shoot! I surrender-"

A bullet from Shepard's Elkoss then landed in Fist's kneecap.

"GODDAMMIT I SAID I SURRENDER!"

"Sorry, the trigger is a little loose."

"That's what you get for buying Elkoss," chimed in Wrex.

"It was cheap, okay?"

"I can calibrate that for you," I happily added.

Williams, meanwhile, pointed her gun to the stricken Fist.

"Tell us where the quarian is and we won't have to shoot you in...your other kneecap!"

"I told her I'd set up a meeting with the Shadow Broker! He won't be there, it will be Saren's men waiting for her. It's going to be here on the wards, back alley by the markets. She's supposed to meet them right now, you can make it if you hurry-"

Another bullet from Shepard's Elkoss then made its way into Fist's other kneecap.

"GODDAMN. LET HIM CALIBRATE THAT SHIT-"

"That one was intentional-"

"One more thing," continued Williams. "So you work for the Shadow Broker? Then tell me why he's funding a systematic genocide on human colonies!?"

Fist, holding both of his knees in agony and on the verge of tears, looked up to Williams, perplexed.

"I'm...sorry?"

"And who's putting chemicals into Thessia's water to turn all the asari gay?!"

"Look...I don't actually know the Shad-"

"Oh, I can't be bothered," Shepard interrupted, aiming his Elkoss and firing four rounds into Fist, killing him instantly.

"WHAT THE HELL, SHEPARD? HE WAS MY KILL!" yelled Urdnot, distraught.

"We don't have time for my incompetent Chief's alt-right machinations! We have a goddamned quarian to find!"

"YOU CAN'T SILENCE THE TRUTH COMMANDER!" screamed Williams.

"Unlike you, which I can! Now let's go."

With that, we all left for the back alley to find our quarian without a moment's delay.

* * *

"Did you bring it?" the assassin asked her.

"Where's the Shadow Broker? Where's Fist?" responded the quarian.

*THUD*

"Fuck," Shepard muttered under his breath.

"Dammit, what was that?" I asked, looking around.

"Sorry, my shoelace."

"Christ, Skipper," Williams sighed.

Shepard, Williams, Urdnot and I all huddled around the corner of a wall in the darkly-lit, red alleyway by the markets. Having followed Fist's lead, Shepard leaned around the corner to get a look at the quarian and Sarens's assassins who were harassing her, and leaned back to discuss a plan with the rest of us. We proceeded in hushed tones, not wishing to be heard as we strategized.

"Alright. What's the move?" started Shepard.

"We go in there, quick and clean," I responded.

"Agreed, no crazy ideas people. No sacrificing yourselves for this quarian. Let's do this by the books. Everyone ready?"

Williams, Urdnot, and I all nodded our heads, checking our weapons for a final time.

"Aight," Shepard nodded in confirmation. "On my count. Three...two-"

"Sorry I'm late, Commander."

All four of us then swung our heads around to find a wheezing and panting Alenko, red and clearly dehydrated from having waited in the sweltering shuttle for several hours.

"GODDAMMIT LIEUTENANT," Shepard exclaimed, quietly but stunned. "What happened to 'wait in the cab?' You could have scared the shit out of me!"

"No risk of that here," Urdnot muttered to himself.

"Sorry Commander," Alenko continued. "But I feared you may have forgotten me in there by mistake."

"No...that was not a mistake," Shepard remarked.

"And that your life may have been in danger."

"No, but yours is."

"Commander, I just wandered the entire Citadel looking for you. I just want to make myself useful."

Shepard thought quietly to himself before sighing and shaking his head. All of a sudden in a much more friendly and warm mood, the Commander placed his hand tenderly on Alenko's shoulder and smiled.

"Alenko, are you kidding me? You are always helpful."

"With all due respect, Commander, just last week you told me I was about as 'useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm'...your words, sir."

"Lieutenant, you're kinda killing a good moment here."

"Sorry, Commander. I won't let it happen again."

"It's quite alright. Now, speaking of useless-"

"Useful-"

"Why don't you go and introduce yourself to those nice men over there?"

"Umm, sir?"

"Now."

"Sir, you don't happen to be planning another Antibaar, are you?"

"What? I wouldn't dream of it," Shepard replied, taken aback.

"Understood, Commander. Sorry I ever doubted you."

"Again, no harm done. Now go make your country proud, Lieutenant."

"Country?"

"Alliance...whatever. Don't contradict me."

"Yes, Commander."

With that, Alenko stood up and gingerly walked around the corner, approaching the assassins. As soon as they saw him, they turned their attention away from the quarian to him.

"Hey! This isn't your show, homie. Get outta here-"

As soon as Alenko opened his mouth to respond, Shepard reached his Elkoss around the corner, firing three rounds right into the Lieutenant's back. Alenko gave a helpless yelp as he fell to the ground, bleeding. The assassins, confused, scanned the dark alley but found nothing, so they turned their attention back to the fallen Alenko.

"Holy shit, dude! You okay? Somebody get some medi-gel-"

As soon as one of the assassins reached into his pack, we sprung into action on Shepard's lead, easily killing the distracted assassins. One of them fell directly on the stricken Alenko. Shepard proceeded to fire an excessive number of rounds into that assassin to make sure he was dead before holstering his Elkoss and angrily approaching the fallen Lieutenant.

"AND THAT'S WHY WHEN I TELL YOU TO WAIT IN THE CAB, YOU WAIT IN THE FUCKING CAB. OTHERWISE, YOU RISK GETTING SHOT IN THE BACK."

"Comm…" Alenko paused, giving himself a moment to cough up blood underneath the weight of the dead body that was crushing his windpipe. "Commander. That...that's exactly what you did on Antibaar."

"WELL SOMEONE HAD TO TEACH YOU ABOUT LEAVING A NOTE WHEN WE RUN OUT OF MILK IN THE MESS HALL."

"That...was Pressly."

"OH, AND NOW YOU'RE SASSING ME?" the Commander exclaimed, unholstering his Elkoss once again.

"Umm...could someone explain what's going on here?" the quarian finally cut in, a bit puzzled.

"Just saving the day as usual, ma'am," the Commander casually remarked, suavely turning to face the quarian.

"Aaaaand we're also here looking for evidence against Saren," I chimed in, taking the opportunity to get to the point. "I'm Agent Garrus Vakarian, C-Sec Agent. We were told you may have some evidence?"

"Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. And yes, I do. I attained it on my pilgrimage. And, by the way, I appreciate the..." nar Rayya paused to look over at the slowly dying Alenko. "...backup...Fist must have set me up."

"Ugh, I just hate it when people mislead you," the Commander scoffed.

"Yeah...let's just get you to the human ambassador," I said, my hand on nar Rayya's shoulder.

"Just makes my blood boil," Shepard continued.

"Right this way, Tail."

And with that, Shepard, Williams, Urdnot, nar Rayya, and I departed for the Presidium, leaving everything unimportant behind.

* * *

"In the next requisitions order, I'm gonna have to write in some cabinet locks," Shepard said casually to Williams, rummaging through a cabinet above the sink.

"Why's that?" the Chief asked.

"Else I'm going to be ordering a fuck ton of Fruit Loops every week."

Williams chuckled before taking a sip of whiskey. Shepard took the empty box of cereal he retrieved from the cabinet and threw it in the sink basin. He then turned around, resting his bottom against the sink and crossing his arms in the mess hall kitchen, looking over the empty tables and lockers across from him on this darkly lit level of the Normandy. He yawned, unsurprising considering the long day he's had at the Citadel.

After I spent the day following his rather...unorthodox methods, Commander Shepard attained the information we were looking for: evidence that incriminated Saren with the geth attack on Eden Prime. In the form of a data cache nar Rayya extracted from a stray geth, it also pointed to a likely accomplice, one the Asari Councillor named as Lady Benezia, a prestigious asari matriarch. The two seemed intent on recovering something called the 'Conduit,' a device that would supposedly lead them to the Reapers, a sentient machine race worshipped by the geth that, according to the data cache, are responsible for the extinction of the entire prothean civilization.

This proved too irrefutable for the Council to deny any longer, prompting them to denounce Saren and name Shepard a Spectre. Given the trail on Benezia, we were supplied with two additional leads, one involving Benezia's daughter and another involving a planet also ransacked by geth.

Clearly, the galaxy as we knew it was at stake. But, all things considered, it had been a successful day for us. It was a day to be toasted, and Shepard and Williams were doing just that. At that moment, the Commander looked over at the Chief, who was leaning her elbow on the kitchen counter with one arm, a glass of whiskey in the hand of the other.

"Wrex got into them, Commander?"

"I didn't know the krogan had such a sense of smell. He made a beeline for it. Hasn't even been an hour and now all I have is Alenko's stupid cornflakes...and even Wrex didn't touch those."

"Well, at least he's settling in. And not touching MY shit."

"Oh good, I'm so relieved," the Commander retorted.

"Where did you put him by the way?"

"Where do you think?"

"Kaiden's room?"

"Bingo."

"Hehe."

Williams reached up to take another drink, but Shepard snatched the glass right from her and took a deliberately long sip. Williams swiped it back before giving him playful glare.

"Hey! Gotta be nice to me now. I'm a…" Shepard paused to dramatically clear his throat. "...Council Spectre, now?"

"Yes! I've heard you the SIXTY-THIRD time you said it!"

"It'll never get old."

"Is it too late to transfer ships, Commander?"

"And leave the man who saved you back on Eden Prime?"

"Point taken," Williams conceded, putting her glass down. "But seriously. Good work out there today. Sure, we've learned the galaxy's about to catch fire, but humanity gets a Spectre, and the morsel of respect that comes with it. Saren's been proven guilty, and Council now has less of a stick up their collective ass. Kudos to you, not an easy thing to do."

"Yep. What can I say? My brilliance knows no bounds," Shepard replied, brushing off his shoulder in all his smugness.

Williams shook her head and smiled as she threw the rest of her whiskey back, proceeding to pour herself more. Shepard gave in, reaching for a glass behind him and lining it up next to Williams' for a round.

"Let's see. How's our 'Galactic Dumpster Rat' doing, by the way?" Williams continued.

"Who?"

"Oh sorry, I meant the 'quarian'?"

"You mean, 'Tali'?"

"Yeah, 'whats-her-face.' Oh wait, she doesn't have one."

"Damn, you're drunk," the Commander retorted.

"YUP. What gave it away?"

"Well...the compliments for starters."

"Dick."

"Look she's sober now!"

Williams snorted at this as Shepard downed some whiskey. He exhaled in satisfaction with the crisp burn it gave him before looking back at the Chief.

"And as for Tali, she's fine. Took all of the sterilizing and cold meds out of the cabinet though. Damn it," Shepard sighed. "Another thing for the requisition order."

"Yeah...taking them back for her…" Williams paused to make "air-quotes" with her hands, spilling her whiskey in the process. "'Pilgrimage.'"

"Well," Shepard started, pausing to narrow his gaze upon the Chief. "Wait, what are you on about?"

"Nothing."

"Chief..."

"Did you not even wince when she requested to be stationed in the ENGINE CORE?!" Williams exclaimed in a hushed voice.

"CHIEF!"

"DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN THIS THING CRASHES IN A FIREBALL ON ALCHERA OR SOME OTHER SHITHOLE!"

"I think you've had enough!" Shepard remarked, snatching the Chief's glass from her.

"But Commander-"

"No buts. We've got a long day tomorrow. I need you in tip-top shape."

"Fine," Williams sighed. "I'm just glad it won't involve recruiting more aliens."

Shepard took a deliberately long sip out of his glass, not making eye contact and ignoring Williams' comment.

"WHAT THE HELL, SHEPARD?!"

"Relax! She's just a scientist, specializing in prothean history and technology."

"Oh...okay."

"Who also may or may not also be an asari..."

"THAT'S IT. I'VE HAD ENOUGH," Williams shouted as she threw her hands up in the air, turning around to face the elevator. "If you need me, I'll be ejecting myself out of the airlock."

"Sounds good, night Chief!"

"Night, Skipper!"

Shepard chuckled to himself before downing the last of his whiskey, setting the glasses in the sink next to the cereal box as Williams departed. Walking away, he made a mental check, remembering if he got all of us newcomers settled in well on the ship. Urdnot Wrex was fine... Tali'Zorah nar Rayya was good to go…me...

"Shit...the turian," the Commander cursed to himself.

Shepard hurried and made for the elevator, realizing he had completely forgot to get a place for me squared away. He took the elevator to the lowest level, the hangar being the last place he saw me go. Knowing what lazy shitheads everyone else on this ship were, he imagined I had to make myself right at home. To him, if I wasn't stealing all of the food and all of the medicine, I was probably stealing...whatever us turians wanted. Probably...tattoo ink...or...corsets...or…

"...Alliance military vehicles?"

Shepard whispered this to himself and looked on, aghast as he saw the entire rear suspension unit of his beloved Mako disassembled and me underneath it, tinkering away. Hastily, Shepard hurried over.

"What in the Hell..."

Shepard stopped himself when he realized I was not simply taking apart the Mako to be meddlesome or thieving, but making a repair. Every bolt, nut, and lug laid out in perfect order before me, intense care and scrutiny clearly being applied in this unusual form of meditation of mine.

"Oh my God," Shepard noted, his breath taken away.

"I know," I responded, still underneath the Mako.

"I've never seen anything like it."

"Right?"

"Indeed."

"The puncture in this shock is impressive."

"What...No, not that."

"Oh. You mean...the amount of omni-gel holding this thing together?"

"NO, not that either. I meant...you."

"A turian?"

"NO, DAMMIT."

I chuckled with how flustered Shepard was becoming, finally poking my head out from underneath the Mako to take a look at him. I could see a slight smirk of his forming as soon as he saw my blackened face, greasy from the shower of hydraulic oil I was currently taking.

"I meant, like, people making themselves useful for once on this ship," Shepard continued.

"Yeah," I replied. "I don't think I've actually seen anything I'd call 'work' being done since I got on this ship."

"Hourly contractors work with more passion than half the drones on this ship. But...you...you just jumped right in. It's staggering...but refreshing."

I was pleased to see Shepard impressed, turning around to marvel at the matrix of Mako parts I had placed in perfect order. But then...

"I mean the level of care you put into this is clearly-"

My eyes lit up in panic and my heart skipped a beat to see Shepard reaching down to pick up a bolt.

"DON'T TOUCH BERT," I shouted, reaching out in desperation.

"...what?" he asked, puzzled.

"BOLT. Don't touch bolt. I mean...the bolt."

"Do you...name your parts, Garrus?"

"I mean, some turian men do, but that's a little personal for me-"

"THESE PARTS."

"Ohh...uhh, yeah. It helps me keep track," I weakly continued. "Please don't judge."

"YOU'VE...YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME," Shepard cackled, failing to hold back the laughter.

"Well, I have to when so much stuff on this damned thing needs to be replaced!" I snapped. "I mean, seriously, who drove this last, a hanar? It looks like the aftermath of a damned oil refinery explosion under here."

"That was...probably Kaiden," Shepard responded, his laughter abruptly stopping. "Yup. That's who did it, definitely."

"Well, I'm going to have to have a word with him."

"Yup...total maniac when he drives, that man. Just...so reckless...and churlish."

"But, seriously Commander-"

"Definitely not me-"

"-I try not to have people find just how...particular...I am with how I repair and calibrate stuff..." I began, stopping to take a deep breath.

Although not an aspect of my personality I wasn't used to having to justify for others, my penchant for pedantry was still a sore subject for me, apparent in just how gingerly I tried to explain it to others.

"It's sort of like...ohh...what's that charming human affliction…'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder'?" I continued, regardless. "If you wouldn't mind Commander, could you keep that little slip-up of mine with the bolt off-the-record?"

"Are you kidding?" he cried. "With what I owe you for these repairs, give me your damned diary. I'll keep all your secrets safe."

Shepard blushed a little, not quite sure if that came out as manly as it sounded in his head.

"Ahh...well, good. Thanks," I replied, my mandibles slightly flexed and slowly nodding.

Shepard, not wishing to draw attention to the fact that he was blushing for reasons I didn't quite understand at the time, quickly changed the subject. He deflected by unholstering his old Elkoss pistol before hesitantly holding it out in front of me.

"Well, if you want EXTRA reassurance, you can make good on your promise from earlier."

I took his Elkoss and examined it with a discerning eye, with an intensity not unlike that deployed by collectors when ascertaining the authenticity of ancient coins and artifacts. This pistol of his, an inexpensive make and model typically seen as "disposable" by military officials, had a dull and worn finish, tell-tale of years of hard use. I took the trigger between my talons and gave it a good shake. Loose indeed, with it's share of cracks and indents. There must have been a reason the Commander had looked after a pistol like this for so long, but I didn't wish to pry.

"This old thing?" I finally say. "Not a problem."

"Thank you."

"Sure. But seriously...Elkoss?"

"Garrus, you're kinda killing a good moment here."

"You can get better knock-off Kassa Fabs in Hong Kong."

"It was cheap, okay?"

"You couldn't just wait for Hahne-Kedar's Black-Friday sale?"

"Step off."

"Like a hundred credits more."

"Do I look like I'm made of money?"

"No...but you sound like a Volus."

Shepard couldn't help but smile and chuckle a bit at that.

"That's harsh."

We laughed together, letting it naturally die down with ease. I turned around to place his Elkoss with exceptional care on my workbench, in a spot that Shepard could see was high on my priority list.

"And thanks for checking in on me," I continued.

"Sorry, Garrus. Meant to do that earlier. You okay down here? Sorry, I would offer something a little cozy-er, but-"

"Seriously, don't sweat it, really. I like it down here, it's warm and close to my work."

"Alright," he sighed. "Well...let me know if you need anything-"

"And Shepard, honest," I interrupted, holding him back. "Thank you for bringing me along. I know it's not easy just taking on another person like this on short notice. If there's anything, ANYTHING I can do to make myself more useful...Hell, if you gotta kick me off the ship even...just say the word."

Shepard shook his head, and turned to face me head-on. He placed his warm hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes.

"Garrus. Don't be ridiculous. You earn my trust, and you earn a spot on my crew. I don't play favorites, and I treat everyone respectfully. I don't betray my crew, and I certainly won't just throw you away-"

It was at this moment the elevator opened. Our heads spun around to find a bloodied and wheezing but otherwise content and ready-to-serve Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko hobbling over to us. He also appeared severely frostbitten, presumably from the hour he spent attempting to find a way into the Normandy from outside in deep space.

"Sorry I'm late Commander."

"God-" Shepard gasped, petrified.

"Oh, and before I forget...here's the receipt for the seven-hour cab fare."

"-DAMMIT!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two Premise:

The galaxy's newest...and oddest Spectre, Commander Caleb Shepard descends upon the scorching world of Therum, tasked with retrieving the absent-minded Dr. Liara T'Soni.

Meanwhile, Williams begins to wonder just how close Shepard and Vakarian are growing to each other. Suffice it to say, she's not pleased.

* * *

"...devastated that the parade was cancelled, after hearing about last week's clash between Thessia's right-winged militia groups and the asari transgendered activists. In other news, the communist revolutionaries have finally been put down after forty-eight weeks of continuous fighting on Dekuuna, in Sereuun's capital square. A total of two minor injuries have been reported by the militants, making it the most violent political uprising in elcor history..."

"Hmm," Shepard thought as he watched Reporter Khalisah al-Jilani deliver that morning's news on the television. "She has a strangely...punchable face."

After shrugging his shoulders, the galaxy's only human Spectre neatly demonstrated his vigorous morning routine. Throwing the remote on the floor beside his cabin bed, he got up donned in nothing but a white wife-beater, boxers, and socks after having spent the last twenty minutes eating Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko's cornflakes in his lap and watching the news. On his way up, he let some of the cornflakes spill out to the ground, along with the shotgun he had placed under his pillow the night before, it's safety he was about sixty percent sure was still on.

"Ugh. How could anyone eat these," he said as he shoveled a large handful of cornflakes into his mouth. "Gross."

After Shepard threw Alenko's otherwise perfectly good box of cornflakes in his garbage can, he walked toward the center of his sleeping quarters, stepping over the debris that littered it. While looking for his Vans, he slipped on his favorite hanar plush and nearly landed face-first into the bong inconveniently forgotten in his path. Sliding the bong underneath his bed, he pulled himself up by the "Chicago White Sox" flag hanging on the wall and, carefully stepping over the roller skates he couldn't remember having acquired or ever used, opened his closet door, unamused by the "Info Battles" stickers Williams graffitied it with.

Somewhere under the soiled "Chicago Blackhawks" jersey and the hockey stick (the one he once took out to hit Alenko over the head with after the Lieutenant tried to argue that the word "pop" was not a suitable substitute for "soda") were his Vans. Having found them and having threw the banana peel stuffed inside one of them back in the closet, he stepped around the carefully-stacked pyramid of beer cans he'd been working on for the last three months and made for the exit, kicking the dead dove on the floor back into his room so it didn't get caught in the door when he closed it.

"Gooood morning, ladies and gents," Shepard said in a chipper mood to us as he stretched his legs.

"Umm...Commander," I responded. "Is dress code on the Normandy normally this lax?"

Shepard looked down at his wife beater and boxers, noticing that the only thing he managed to retrieve from his quarters were his Vans.

"Crap. Thought my morning routine was a little sparse today."

Shepard then made his way over to the kitchen, pouring himself a coffee over at the counter. He puckered his face from the taste of the recycled grounds, reminded of the Alliance's ever-tightening budget constraints. Williams, nar Rayya, Urdnot, and I all sat at the Mess Hall table, the Normandy's usual site of mission planning and other sorts of intelligent conversation, having wrapped up our breakfast some time ago. I preoccupied myself with sorting out the sugar packets on the table by color while Urdnot eyed them hungrily. Shepard sat himself between the two of us.

"Where's Alenko?" he asked after taking a sip of his coffee.

At that moment, Alenko exited the elevator, visibly panicked and flustered. He was notably sluggish, presumably from the third-degree frostbite, blood loss, and guns shot wounds he'd sustained just the day before.

"Sorry I'm late, Commander," he said to Shepard as he hobbled over. "I was just looking for my pet dove."

"Typical."

Shepard reached into the table drawer for his pack of cigarettes before lighting one up.

"Umm...Commander," I said sheepishly, pointing at the ceiling vents above us.

"Relax," he said, waving his arm after taking a drag. "I shut off all the smoke alarms."

"That seems...safe."

"Oh, totally. They're 'American Spirits_._' Organic tobacco."

"No, I was referring to the-"

"They're, like, grass-fed or some shit."

"Umm...yeah, I don't-"

"I'm, like, practically smoking kale."

"That's...debatable."

"Mmm," Urdnot grumbled to himself. "I could go for some kale."

"Also, has anyone seen my cornflakes?" Alenko chimed in from over in the kitchen, searching in the cabinet above the sink.

"Nope," Shepard replied. "Ohh wait, I think I saw them head towards the airlock, that's how disappointed they were with themselves."

"First Mikey...now my cornflakes," the dejected Lieutenant uttered to himself as he turned to leave. Shepard spoke up as soon as Alenko departed.

"And that's what he gets for buying the cereal equivalent of a potato."

"As in you can do a lot with them?" Williams asked.

"...No..."

"Ugh. I could kill for a potato right about now," Urdnot grumbled to himself before getting up to rummage through the kitchen.

"What I could kill for is that asari right about now," Engineer Adams said cheerfully upon entering the Mess Hall.

Shepard and Williams turned around, surprised to see Adams fetching coffee that early in the morning. The usually sullen-looking Engineer had an uncharacteristic pep in his step, not even grimacing from the swill in his coffee mug.

"Adams," Shepard started. "You seem more spritely today. Not so...deprived."

"Helps when you have some lovely company," the Engineer smiled as he turned to wink at nar Rayya.

"Really regretting asking for the engine core, Commander," the quarian quietly said, frustrated.

"Not like I'm moving you," Shepard replied after taking a drag. "HR said I needed more women down there."

"And I agree!" said Adams.

"By the way, Engineer," nar Rayya sighed, addressing Adams. "I WILL BE THE ONE to have that asari."

"Wait...you're lesbian?"

"I am…do you have a problem with that?"

"No, not at all! I'm quite progressive actually."

"Oh...well good."

"In fact, lesbians are my favorite!"

"UGH!"

"Adams, please," Shepard sighed. "Before I get ANOTHER call from HR-"

"And," I cut in, addressing nar Rayya. "Before you get your antimicrobial panties in a bunch over this asari, we cannot guarantee we'll get her back. She also happens to be the daughter of the enemy, so we can't be too quick to trust."

"Hmm," Adams thought out-loud, enticed. "So a bit of a bad girl, huh?"

"Not what I meant-"

"Adams," Shepard sighed again. "Why don't you go and make yourself useful by...staring at that drive core some more?"

"Yes sir," the Engineer reluctantly conceded before giving a half-hearted salute, turning and making his way for the elevator.

"I call dibs on her!" nar Rayya turned to yell at the departing Adams. She then turned to address the rest of us at the table. "Now. Can we please address what everyone at this table is thinking?"

"Agreed," I cleared my throat, ready to start discussing the scheduling and logistics of the day's mission.

"Okay, seriously," the quarian excitedly continued. "How DO the asari have sex?!"

"Ohh...that's not what I was thinking-"

"I heard they just touch tentacles," said Williams.

"I heard they eat each other's tentacles," said Urdnot from the kitchen.

"That seems...unsustainable," I thought aloud.

"I heard they lull you with a song," Shepard chimed in.

"Commander," I replied. "That's 'a Siren', not 'Asari'-"

"I also heard they bite the head off their partner," Urdnot continued.

"Spirits," I gasped. "How hungry are you?"

"No, no, no," nar Rayya insisted. "I heard they can fuck you...with their minds."

"That seems...warmer," I quietly said.

"From like a mile away."

"That seems...colder."

"Guess I'll just have to find out then!" the quarian happily declared.

"Is pursuing hedonism all you think about, Tali?" Shepard asked.

"Well...what else you do you think us quarians do on these pilgrimages?"

"Well, I have some ideas," Williams piped up.

"DON'T EVEN GO THERE," Shepard cut her off, it being far too early in the morning for another one of her many quarian-terrorism-fueled conspiracy theories.

"Ugh," the dejected quarian continued upon looking down at her sterile enviro-suit. "Sometimes I really wish I wasn't a quarian."

"Hah!" Williams smirked. "You hook up with that asari, Hell, even through that suit I'm sure you'll get more action than I did with my last boyfriend."

"Talking about Chief's love life is about as interesting as listening to Adams talk about how Mass Relays work," Shepard interrupted, rather tersely. "Anyway, today's mission-"

"Oooh! Oooh!" nar Rayya interrupted, excitedly. "I'm interested, I wanna hear it!"

"No...you don't," the Commander insisted.

"Well," Williams began. "My last boyfriend was-"

"DON'T DO IT."

"-none other than-"

"LA LA LA LA," the Commander yelled, plugging his ears.

"-your fearless leader over here!" Williams shouted, pointing over at Shepard.

Gasps proceeded to consume the table.

"What?!" I asked, my mandibles flexed.

"No way!" nar Rayya gasped, slamming her palms on the table.

"Where would you keep these potatoes?!" Urdnot yelled, slamming a cabinet door in the kitchen.

"What's the shock and awe for?" Williams asked before smugly sipping from her mug.

"For their realization of just how low my standards were back then," Shepard deflected, clearing his throat. "Moving on-"

"ASS!" Williams shouted as she reached forward, smacking Shepard on the forehead.

At that moment, the Normandy's intercom system began crackling before Joker's voice could be heard.

"T-minus fifteen minutes until we touch down on Therum, Commander," Joker said overhead.

"EXCELLENT!" Shepard excitedly shouted and clapped, jumping up from the table. "Let's get ready, everyone!"

"But-" Williams and nar Rayya simultaneously moaned.

"Garrus, I wanna come with to help ready the Mako."

"Sure," I said, sheepishly. "But are you sure you don't need a moment?"

The Commander appeared confused until he looked back down.

"As soon as I find some pants…"

* * *

"AND I JUST REPLACED THAT," I shouted.

"Good thing I got a great mechanic," Shepard said, looking over at me.

"...ass," I muttered, unable to help myself from smiling a bit at that.

White-knuckled, Commander Shepard deployed his typically...efficient driving style as he tore across the scorching world of Therum, the rich and industrial Alliance-controlled planet where the asari Dr. Liara T'Soni, daughter of Lady Benezia, was last seen. As Benezia was the right-hand asari to Saren, securing her daughter would give us an edge in stopping the rogue Spectre.

The land of Therum was rich in prothean ruins, a gem for a doctor who dedicated her entire life to studying the extinct civilization. For Williams, Alenko, and I, however, this was a bit hard to think about. We were a little busy holding on for dear life in the cabin of the aging and creaking Mako.

"SHEPARD," I yelled, holding onto the dashboard between the Commander and Williams. "Just because you can scale 89° inclines in this thing doesn't mean you should!"

"Please...just one more palladium deposit, I promise."

"SERIOUSLY SHEPARD, you're going to shear off an axle!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know Therum had FRICKIN' SPEED LIMITS."

"They do back in Nova Yekaterinburg."

"Oh, shut the Hell up."

"Reminds me, Commander," Williams spoke up. "Reminds me of your unrivalled talent at shutting people up like you did to me at breakfast earlier."

"Hey, speculating on asari mating practices was not going to get us anywhere closer to finding Liara!"

"That wasn't even me! And I certainly wasn't talking about mating," Williams replied before clearing her throat. "More or less...a lack of it."

"Ohhh...you mean our relationship."

"Precisely."

"I had no idea that you and the Commander had been in a relationship before," I said looking over to Williams.

"And I had no idea the Mess Hall table was a frickin' confessional," Shepard muttered to himself.

"Yep," Williams responded. "Ever so long ago!"

"I thought the two of you had met on Eden Prime," I replied.

"Ohh, we did! Back at the 'Garden of Eden' music festival in '79. Remember that Caleb?" she asked the Commander, reminiscing. "The music...the alcohol…"

"Oh, how could I not, Williams? The dancing...the molly…"

"That was quite the...wait, you scored molly?"

"...would you not?"

"I was more referring to a few days ago on Eden Prime," I said over the Chief's scoffing.

"Oh!" she continued. "Yes, well that was our first reunion since we split over...irreconcilable differences."

One could cut the air inside the Mako's cabin with a knife as things got eerily silent. Shepard glared over at Williams, who looked like she was about to explode from having to bottle up what she wanted to say.

However, the Chief was never great at keeping secrets.

"COMMANDER SHEPARD IS G-"

"GONNA GET REALLY ANGRY IF YOU START SPREADING RUMORS!" Shepard shouted, trying to remain calm. "So, before you start telling everyone that I'm gay-"

"You just said-"

"-I would like to remind you of my condition, the one you very well know prevented our relationship from ever working out."

"Oh, yes," Williams sighed and crossed her arms, proceeding in a dramatic fashion. "How could I have forgotten about your famous 'Early Onset Erectile Dysfunction'?!"

"It's a thing!" Shepard exclaimed defensively. "A clinical trial showed that out of a study sample of 36,967 men aged under thirty, 2.3% showed signs of ED-"

"It was also shown that 2.3% of men were closeted-" the Chief muttered under her breath.

"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE MOCKING THE AFFLICTED."

"Commander," Alenko cut in, leaning forward. "Is this really a conversation we should be having in the Mako?"

"As opposed to what? A school?"

"Umm, actually," I spoke up, looking back at the Lieutenant. "I wasn't sure how to put this politely, but...what are you doing in here?"

"Yeah, Commander," Williams said, turning to Shepard. "Alliance regs dictate only three people on a mission."

"Yes," the Commander began. "And we're no longer technically Alliance."

"Yeah, but-"

"And that's exactly what the geth would EXPECT us to bring."

"Commander," Alenko spoke up. "I might be able to serve you better if I had Chakwas look at my injuries first."

"Does the frostbite you got from your little waltz around the Normandy last night affect your biotic abilities?"

"Technically not-"

"Then you'll serve me just fine. You see?" Shepard asked, turning to Williams. "I've thought of everything. Yup, I know. Sometimes my brilliance catches even me by surprise."

"ASS," the Chief sighed before conceding. "But okay, it's a decent idea."

"I'm not so sure it is," the Lieutenant feebly uttered.

We glanced behind us to see Alenko sitting on the floor behind the Mako's three only seats. Without any support or harnesses, the crippled man was clearly taking quite a beating at the hands of Shepard's rather flamboyant driving style.

"Quit your whining Alenko," Shepard shouted. "Just hold onto the hand str..."

Shepard interrupted himself, having remembered he had taken all the hand straps out of the Mako to supplement his elaborate, makeshift gymnastics facility he was in the process of building for himself out of Captain Anderson's old room on the Normandy.

"Umm, nevermind," he continued. "Just…don't make a mess back there. If I see blood, you're licking it off the floor."

"I'll tr...yes, Commander."

"Spirits," I gasped.

"Relax," Shepard tried to reassure me. "I've had him do it before."

"Not that...straight ahead."

I pointed onward, toward the ship that had just appeared overhead. It was a ship that struck fear in the hearts and minds of Shepard, Williams, and Alenko as they recognized it as the ship back on Eden Prime, the one associated with Saren and the geth.

"What...is that thing?" I asked.

"Damned ugly, that's for sure," the Commander responded. "It's like a 'Snail of Doom'...or, y'know, some other crustacean."

"Technically a snail is a mollusc, Commander."

"Garrus," Shepard sighed. "Every bone in your crotch…that's what I'm going to break."

"THE TAXONOMY OF THE TERRIFYING SHIP AHEAD OF US IS THE LEAST OF MY CONCERNS," Williams shouted.

"What are those things?!" Alenko asked. "The white things the ship is dropping?"

The experienced and knowledgeable Commander's chest tightened as he looked on, recognizing the white, four-legged geth-controlled machines being quickly lowered from the ship in the way of our path. As he looked on, their name ominously flowed from Shepard's lips.

"...'Armchairs'…"

"Umm," I proceeded gingerly after a moment of pause. "I think you mean...'Armatures'?"

"Exactly, back me up here!"

"HOW DO WE FIGHT THESE ARMCHAIRS?" Williams yelled.

"Armat-"

"Easy," Alenko interrupted. "With the Mako's cannons and fully-automat-"

"Nonsense!" Shepard shouted as he dropped the Mako down a gear, revving its engine. "I got another idea."

"Commander," I nervously began. "I hope you're not-"

"Might wanna hold on, everyone."

"You're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do, right?"

"What? Of course not!"

* * *

"THE MAKO. IS NOT. TO BE USED. FOR RAMMING. ARMATURES," I yelled in between my furiously labored breaths.

"I was...stress testing it," the Commander quietly replied.

"Remember what I said about not doing what I think you were going to do? Well, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I FEARED YOU WOULD DO."

"I'M SORRY, BUT DO I LOOK LIKE A MIND-READER?!"

"Guys," Alenko weakly spoke up from the back. "Wait up."

Shepard and I continued to bicker out in front, leaving the stricken Alenko and Williams trailing.

I led the pack as we trudged on foot through the hot landscape, leaving the wreckage of the Mako with its missing wheels behind thanks to Shepard's...aggressive approach to Armature combat.

"It did fine for the first twenty Armchairs we battled!"

"ARMAT..." I paused before sighing and shaking my head. "Do you know how much omni-gel we have left?" I asked as I reached for the dainty omni-gel pouch on my belt. "THIS MUCH. You couldn't seal a damned envelope with that!"

"Nah," Shepard disagreed, looking inside the pack. "I'd say at least a good fifteen, maybe twenty envelopes with that."

I sighed as I clipped the pack back onto my belt.

"I mean, how many damned envelopes do you need to seal?"

"I'M JUST SAYING WE NEED MORE."

"Fine," the Commander conceded, looking behind to call back to Alenko. "Lieutenant? How much omni-gel would we get if we melted down your guns?"

"You...already melted them down, sir."

"Ohh," Shepard said, looking back at me. "And it's my fault that you're so slap-dash with your omni-gel usage?"

"What?" I asked. "Says the man who blows through it because he can't decrypt a lock on the first try to save his life!"

"THE DAMNED COLORS FLASH TOO FAST."

"All I'm asking for is you to drive a little nicer-"

"OH MY GOD."

"I mean, is it that hard to not drive the Mako like a jackass?"

"WERE GONNA DIE."

"I mean, it's not CRITICAL that you drive nicer. No need being pedantic-"

"DAMMIT MAN, LOOK UP."

Having walked with my head down on auto-pilot for the long sweltering walk, I finally looked up to notice the largest Armature we'd seen that day. Behind it stepped out a squadron of geth on both sides. A tower was beside the squadron on the left, and on its rafters stood geth snipers, along with geth stalkers hanging inverted from below those rafters.

"NO NEED TO PANIC," Shepard gasped, clearly panicked. "IT'S JUST TIME TO EMPTY YOUR BOWELS."

"EVERYONE TAKE POSITIONS!" I shouted.

"RIGHT!" Williams yelled as she took cover.

As the rest of us hid behind walls and ledges, Shepard reached for his Elkoss, but felt nothing in his holster. A sinking feeling then hit the pit of his gut, having realized he forgot to retrieve the freshly calibrated pistol from my workbench on his way to boarding the Mako that morning.

"UMM. SMALL PROBLEM GUYS," he shouted gingerly, ducking under a barrage of machine gun fire.

"DAMMIT MAN. YOUR SHOTGUN," the Chief yelled as she dispatched a sniper.

"AHH. RIGHT!"

Shepard reached behind for the small of his back for his shotgun, only to then realize he had left it beside his bed that morning.

"GUYS...DON'T HATE ME," Shepard began sheepishly, looking over to Williams.

"YOU SON-OF-A-"

"WHERE'D YOU LEAVE IT?" I asked while scoped in on a geth.

"LISTEN," the Commander responded. "I SAW A REALLY SCARY BIRD IN MY ROOM LAST NIGHT, ALRIGHT?"

"WAIT, WHAT?!" Alenko asked.

"SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU HAVE NO WEAPONS," I continued.

In the heat of battle, Shepard scanned the vicinity. Williams and I opted to travel light, using the only weapons we brought with us, being an assault rifle and sniper rifle, respectively. Alenko, having no weapons, used biotics to combat the ever persistent geth. There was only one answer the Commander could give when he finally looked over to me.

"THAT WOULD BE AN AFFIRMATIVE."

"WHAT?!"

"I'M SURE IT WAS SOMEHOW ALENKO'S FAULT."

"YOU'RE A FRICKIN SPECTRE."

"I'M STILL KINDA NEW AT THIS SHIT, GET OUT OF MY FACE."

"ALRIGHT," I said after a moment of pause, ducking an enemy sniper's shot in the process. "STAY CLOSE TO ME AND FOLLOW MY LEAD."

"THE MALL-COP?" Shepard asked while narrowly dodging a missile.

"C-SEC AG_..._JUST HANG ON TO ME."

At that moment, Shepard became my impromptu spotter, hanging close to my shoulder as I sighted in on geth, one-by-one. The two of us traveled in tandem, sticking together as I owned the frontal assault while Shepard alerted me of flanking attempts and the geth stalkers from overhead. The two of us were far too engrossed with this teamwork to notice that Williams and Alenko themselves had all but stopped fighting, so arrested by the show we were putting on. Almost single handedly, I took down the armature with just my sniper and a few overloads. After the mighty mechanical beast had fallen, the two of us placed our hands on our knees, catching our breath.

"Wow," Shepard wheezed, looking over to me. "Color me astounded."

"Thank you," I responded. "Busting vorcha kids for lighting up cigarettes in the park at night does wonders for your tactical awareness."

"You know...I helped too, Skipper!" Williams shouted to the Commander, also out of breath.

"Yeah, barely," he scoffed, looking back at me. "Anyway, gotta say Vakarian. I'm pretty impressed."

"Not bad spotting, Shepard."

Having regained our stamina, Shepard and I continued forward. Unbeknownst to us, Williams lagged behind to let the hobbling Alenko catch up with her. Out of earshot of the Commander and I, she quietly addressed the Lieutenant.

"What the Hell was that?"

"I believe that was an ambush, Chief."

"What...I know that, you numbskull. I meant that! Shepard and the turian."

"Oh. Yeah, that was pretty impressive close-quarters cooperation, Williams."

"Yeah," she replied, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "TOO close."

The two then jogged to catch back up with Shepard and I. At that moment, we had stopped walking and were engrossed in idle chit-chat.

"...so the mods ring that I busted ALSO happened to be the red sand ring I'd been tracking for the last two months as well, Shepard."

"Holy crap, Garrus. That's...impressive."

"What ISN'T impressive is this stupid path that the turian chose to bring us on!" the Chief shouted, unusually angry. "I see nothing around here!"

"Well, the only thing I can see is this conveniently placed mining tunnel right behind us," I mentioned before looking down at the map on my omni-tool. "Which also happens to be the asari's last known location."

"Dammit," Williams muttered under her breath.

"Wow," Shepard said, looking back to me. "So you're also pretty good at navigation, too?"

"I'm not bad."

"Holy Hell, you're so much better than my other squadmates! Where have you been my entire life? Tell me more!" he shouted over Williams' snarling.

The four of us soon arrived at the mining tunnel's entrance. Making our way through, we descended toward the bowels of Therum. Once again, Williams slowed to match pace with Alenko as Shepard and I, absorbed in conversation, eagerly distanced ourselves ahead, out of earshot.

"It's unbelievable, Lieutenant," Williams sneered. "Look how the Commander is completely fawning over that damned alien!"

As we descended further, Williams and Alenko both quieted down to listen to the conversation I was having with Shepard through the echoes of the tunnel.

"...sixty pull-ups and eighty push-ups, Commander. I usually intersperse that between the four mile run I do everyday."

"Really?" Shepard responded, clearly impressed. "I can tell you work out. I work out too. Every four hours, I try to get in about twenty kegel...err, crunches-"

"LISTEN TO HIM," Williams angrily muttered back with Alenko.

"I can't help it, Chief," Alenko replied. "He's really loud when he does his kegels."

"I MEAN THE TURIAN FAN-CLUB THE COMMANDER IS FORMING! Shepard's completely fan-girling over him!"

Reaching the bottom of the tunnel, it was clear to us that it had been fashioned out of an ancient cavern of some sort. It was dark and cramped, fit with catwalks, ceiling supports, and elevators. Lying in wait for us were numerous geth shock troopers, assault drones, and snipers. Clearly, the geth had gotten the jump on the location of the asari, and it was only a matter of time before they got to her. With the help of Shepard's spotting, I eliminated the geth in our path, and got to work on restarting an ancient elevator that would hopefully lead us to our target. The wellbeing of the asari doctor was the only thing on our minds.

Meanwhile, Williams pulled Alenko off to the side, clearly with other thoughts preoccupying her.

"Lieutenant, I don't like this. Shepard and the turian, that is."

"With all due respect, Chief, why do you care so much?"

"Because...he's an alien!"

"Coming from you? Shocker."

"Thanks...ass. But really...a turian?"

"So?"

"Kaiden...he looks like a bird, a lizard, and Scream all had a baby together."

"That's a little rude, Chief," Alenko said before looking over at me, squinting. "Though...now I kinda see it."

"RIGHT?"

"But everyone's got their tastes, Williams," the Lieutenant replied, looking back toward the Chief. "I'm still not getting your beef with him."

"Lieutenant...look at me."

Williams proceeded to pose, showing off her legs. She spun around, giving the shy Lieutenant free reign to eye her up.

"Okay, I'm looking," he sheepishly responded.

"Commander Shepard couldn't hit this," the Chief calmly stated before pointing to me, proceeding angrily. "BUT HE WANTS TO HIT THAT?"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Aren't you the one who rags on the Commander about being gay?"

"Yeah, but," Williams paused, still pointing. "Nobody's THAT gay!"

"Ooooookay," Alenko paused as he rubbed his temples. "Maybe the Commander's given me one too many concussions with that hockey stick, because I'm a little confused. Let me get this straight...you are angry because the Commander is attracted to a male turian rather than you, even though you acknowledge he's probably gay."

"I mean...how could you not be attracted to me!"

"Well," the Lieutenant paused as he nervously scratched the back of his head. "I mean, I am."

"Exactly! Back me up here!"

"No, I was just saying that...you know, Chief. I am attracted to you. And if you ever wanted, you and I could go out sometime-"

"Exactly!" Williams smiled, interrupting in agreement. "YOU and I have to GO OUT there and stop this from happening!"

"Oh, right. Because that's what I meant."

Williams sighed and looked over at Shepard, oblivious to the Lieutenant's dejection.

"I just need to KNOW the Commander is attracted to him," she continued. "I can't confirm anything yet-"

"YOU TWO COMING WITH?" I finally called over to the two, still unaware of what they were talking about. "I got the elevator working-"

"Bout time-" Shepard interrupted.

"It's not a quick process!"

"Especially when you take the time to sort the parts by their shades of brown," he muttered.

"IT'S IMPORTANT," I shook my head before calling back to Williams and Alenko. "Let's get going, this asari's not going to save herself!"

"COMING!" Williams yelled back before hunkering close to the Lieutenant to whisper. "Stay close. I need to find a way to confirm my suspicions."

With that, the four of us loaded onto the creaking elevator, unsure of what we'll find below.

* * *

"Umm...hello?" the asari quietly spoke.

"HOLY SHIT. ASARI CAN FLY?" the Commander loudly uttered.

"Involuntarily...yes."

"You moron," Williams sighed to Shepard.

Shepard, Williams, Alenko, and I took in the sight of Dr. Liara T'Soni levitating behind a transparent blue curtain that seemed to hold her prisoner. The elevator took us to the bottom level of the mining tunnel, a vast area littered with boxes, leftover ore, and abandoned mining equipment. Stalagmites posed as obstacles to travel on foot, while stalactites loomed overhead, ever-threatening to come down on our heads in this aging and unstable cavern.

The esteemed asari doctor, however, had a more immediate problem.

"None of you happen to have a spare change of pants, do you?"

"Eww," Williams shuddered.

"Or snacks? Or something to read? I have been in here for quite awhile now."

"Uhh, maybe later," I responded. "Dr. T'Soni? We are here to help rescue you."

"That...would be helpful."

"How would we get you out?"

"I am not sure. When I saw the geth, I ran in here," the asari doctor paused, letting her absent-minded pondering take over. "Geth beyond the veil...could you imagine that?!"

"Boy, do we have news for you," Shepard replied.

"One step at a time, Shepard," I interrupted.

"This appears to be some sort of prothean security device," T'Soni continued, snapping back to the present. "I activated it, knowing it would keep me safe. I must have pushed the wrong button though, and I need you to come deactivate it from the inside."

"Guys," Alenko worriedly spoke up from the back. "We're gonna have to cool it on the asari for now. We got company!"

We turned around to find yet more geth waiting for us. Looking to impress Shepard, Williams took Alenko away from T'Soni to deal with them.

She put on a dramatic display of combat, using everything in her arsenal. She quite literally demolished the geth with an overdone light show of bullets and explosions. After the rather brief flurry, she bowed and proudly turned around to find...neither Shepard nor me watching.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

Williams and Alenko furiously looked around for their two missing comrades, only to have their attention immediately redirected by the sound of two back-to-back explosions. They found Shepard hard at work, diligently dealing with the issue of the barrier.

"Umm...Commander?" Alenko gasped.

"I'll be damned! I guess I left some grenades in my pockets from the last time we did the wash. They still got a little juice left in 'em," Shepard happily said before lobbing two more grenades directly at T'Soni's prothean barrier curtain.

"I am not sure if I would have consented to this plan," the asari winced in panic as the explosives detonated perilously close to her.

"COMMANDER!" Williams snapped. "We were told to bring back an asari, not just a bowl of tentacle soup!"

As T'Soni nervously gulped at that comment, the Chief furiously looked around the mine.

"There's gotta be another way through that thing. And by the way, where the Hell is your new turian best friend? That two-faced, lazy, good-for-nothing-"

At that moment, a powerful beam of light shot out past Shepard, Williams, and Alenko. It hit the ground below the barrier with enormous energy, but at a safe distance away. It left behind a crater large enough for the entire squad to maneuver through, allowing us safe passage past the barrier and to T'Soni.

"What in the-" Alenko uttered.

"Sorry I took so long," I cheerfully replied from across the mine, stepping out from behind a plasma mining laser. "I was wandering around trying to find parts for us to scavenge from all this old mining equipment when I found this bad boy."

"A mining laser?" the Lieutenant asked. "You know how to use one?"

"It's easy," I replied before playfully glaring at Shepard. "Unlike for some people, the colors don't flash too fast for me."

"You know...I'd be mad at that comment," the Commander began. "IF I WASN'T SO PSYCHED ABOUT YOUR INTELLIGENCE AND AWESOMENESS!"

"I. COULD. HAVE. THOUGHT. OF. THAT," Williams said almost exploding with rage, smoke seeming to rise up from her head.

"And while looking around, I found enough parts to solve our omni-gel shortage," I continued, holding up my overflowing omni-gel pouch.

In the middle of her furious muttering of incomprehensible, racially-charged gibberish, Williams felt Alenko pull her out of the path of a large, falling rock. Puzzled, the two looked up find the cavern ceiling vibrating, jettisoning stalactites down upon them like knives. The tunnel began shaking violently as an earthquake seemed to have taken ahold of the place. Without a moment's delay, the four of us rushed through my make-shift entrance to quickly grab T'Soni from behind the barrier amidst the chaos.

"The laser and grenades must have triggered a seismic event," T'Soni gasped, finally freed. "We must leave this place!"

"Good going, asswipes!" Williams yelled before turning to run.

With no time to spare, Shepard, Williams, T'Soni, Alenko, and I all headed for a back way through the mining tunnel, dodging falling boulders and rocks. Cracks cascaded through the ceiling, letting through yet more rocks. This place, one that could have conceivably been thousands of years in the making, may consume itself in a matter of seconds, leaving behind a cavern of dust, rubble, and dead Spectre if the five of us did not hurry.

Seeing that the elevators could give way in a violent eruption like this, I led the group to a ladder that would lead us upwards. I positioned T'Soni in front of myself, assuring that the asari, weakened by a prolonged period of non-movement just moments before, was able to safely and swiftly make it up the ladder. I climbed behind her, followed by Shepard, then Williams, then Alenko.

"We gotta hurry!" I shouted.

"I am moving my body as fast as I can!" T'Soni cried before abruptly stopping on the ladder. "Some rubble is blocking the path!"

"Ugh!" I huffed. "Here, let me!"

To dislodge the boulder wedged in the ladder rungs immediately above us blocking our only way out, I moved up forward, hanging close to the asari as I climbed up behind her. We were positioned back-to-chest, as she hunkered close the ladder to give me as much room as possible as I attempted to dislodge the boulder with my long, free arm. The boulder moved, but it was a slow process.

In the midst, Shepard was not at all distracted by the spectacle unfolding above him.

"This is hard work!" I grunted, my body rocking back and forth.

"Uh-huh," Shepard idly uttered.

"Almost there!"

"Keep going."

"I'm going as fast as I can!"

"Take your time..."

"WATCH OUT!"

"Oh, I'm watching alright."

"JACKASS," Williams yelled directly below the Commander.

Angrily, the Chief reached up and grabbed Shepard's shoulder from below to move him out of the path of my freshly dislodged boulder, passing his head by mere inches.

"WERE YOU NOT WATCHING?" she cried.

"I was watching!" Shepard exclaimed. "Wait...do you mean for the boulder?"

"OF COURSE I MEAN THE..."

A stark realization then dawned upon the Chief amidst the crumbling rubble surrounding her. Just when it seemed she couldn't get any angrier...she did.

"YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO OGLE THE TURIAN'S JIGGLING ASS BACK ON THE NORMANDY! WE HAVE TO MOVE!"

"Wai...no! I wasn't!" the Commander stammered, clearly flustered. "Your...you're crazy!"

"I might even be flattered by that," I replied. "UNDER ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES."

"The turian's right!" Alenko shouted from the back. "We have to keep moving!"

It was at that moment that Williams' revelation came through. If it wasn't his drooling that gave it away, it was the tell-tale defensiveness of his response that the Chief knew all too well that confirmed for her that the Commander was indeed attracted to me. She was still angry, but at least her curiosity was satiated. As the five of us continued to hurriedly make our way up the ladder, she realized that all that was left to do...was to crush this romance.

Once summiting the ladder, we reached an elevating platform that would take us up closer to the surface. The ride gave us time that should have been used to discuss an escape plan.

"I WAS NOT. STARING. AT. HIS ASS."

If we were smart.

"Sureeee," the Chief mocked.

"I WASN'T," the Commander cried.

"I mean," I interjected. "I wouldn't necessarily be offended-"

"I find it hard to believe that this is the time to discuss sexual attractions," T'Soni bluntly uttered.

"SEX?!" Shepard yelled, even more flustered. "THAT...THAT IS OUT OF ORDER!"

" Shepard's got a crush… " Williams began singing.

"DAMN YOU. I DO NOT!"

"GIVE IT UP!" yelled a krogan voice.

"Exactly!" Williams replied. "Back me up here, Wrex!"

The elevating platform, having stopped moments before, brought us to a freshly-opened doorway where a visibly confused Krogan Battlemaster stood, along with his geth counterparts. They were armed and clearly not in the mood for jests.

"Ohh, sorry," the Chief apologized. "I forgot Wrex wasn't with us. He...well...krogan all kind of look the same to me."

"I sense some racist undertones in that statement," T'Soni declared matter-of-factly.

"Coming from her?" Shepard scoffed. "Just wait till you get her drunk."

"YOU CAN SHUT UP," Williams yelled.

"ALL OF YOU CAN SHUT UP!" the angered krogan shouted as he pumped his shotgun. "NOW GIVE UP THE ASARI!"

Shepard, having reached for his trusty Elkoss, realized once again that he was defenseless. He also wished not to draw attention to the fact that he continually forgot to pick up weapons from fallen enemies despite his many opportunities to do so. Thus, he knew that only through cunning diplomacy and negotiation could he escape this conflict.

"May I offer you an alternative?"

"Wha..." the startled krogan uttered. "No."

"C'mon. I worked hard to bag this asari. I can't lose her, but the others? Take your pick."

"I'm not sure if my employer would be too happy about that."

"I'm not sure WE would be too happy about that," I muttered to myself.

"What about my Lieutenant here?" Shepard continued. "Prime fighting machine, he is."

"Umm...sir," Alenko spoke up.

"No," the krogan replied. "Besides, he's clearly damaged goods!"

"Yeah," the Commander said as he turned around to glare at the bloodied and banged up Lieutenant. "He's a little clumsy like that."

"But," Alenko started. "That was-"

"Aight," Shepard turned around, addressing the krogan again. "I'll lower the cost."

"He's a liability! You'd have to pay me to take him!"

"Really?" Shepard asked, pondering this difficult dilemma. "Okay. How much?"

"Hmm...ten-grand."

"That's a little steep."

"Sir," the Lieutenant quietly interrupted. "I'm not feeling very appreciated right now."

"YEAH," Shepard angrily turned back to Alenko. "AND THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, BARGAINING CHIPS DIDN'T TALK."

"He seems a bit disobedient," the krogan sighed. "I'm making it fifteen."

"SEE WHAT YOU DID?!" the Commander yelled to the Lieutenant.

"Fifteen, final offer," the krogan insisted.

"I mean, he knows biotics," Shepard replied, addressing the krogan again.

"Hmmm...well, considering the going rate for biotics...how about eight?"

"HOW ABOUT A BOULDER TO THE FACE?" T'Soni cried.

At that moment, a falling boulder from the cavern's crumbling ceiling was redirected by the asari doctor's biotics to crush the krogan and his geth in one fell swoop, leaving the rest of us stunned.

"YOU'RE KIDDING," Shepard gasped. "YOU KNOW BIOTICS TOO?"

"Yes," T'Soni calmly replied, brushing the dust off of her. "All asari know some."

"So...we really don't need Alenko," Shepard smiled. "AND YOU SAVED ME EIGHT GRAND."

"But she hasn't SAVED OUR BACON YET!" I cried, dodging the stalactites that resumed their descent. "We gotta keep moving!"

With that, we exited the collapsing cavern with mere more moments to spare. Outside, Joker awaited with the Normandy, angered at the sight of the destruction...and of the ruined Mako a bit further away.

* * *

"Look. I know this looks bad, m'lord," Ambassor Donnel Udina began. "But I promise, these buffoons will not get in the way of our future plans."

The dark, exposed machinery in the interior of the geth mothership surrounded him as the Ambassador stood nervously with his hands clasped in front of himself, looking toward the shadowy figures at the other end of the chamber who had their backs to him. He waited for a response, but the sweat continued to bead on his forehead as the silence prolonged.

"They must have gotten lucky, that's it. But I can assure you, this is just a minor setback-"

"MINOR?! THEY HAVE MY DAUGHTER!"

At that moment, the two figures stepped out from the shadows and turned to furiously approach the Ambassador...revealing themselves to be Saren Arterius and Lady Benezia.

"The krogan never came back," Arterius declared. "Thus, I can only assume Shepard has taken Liara. You promised me a failure, Donnel."

"Yes...I know-"

"Clearly, you don't know!" Benezia snapped. "She is a loose end, Ambassador."

"Donnel," Arterius continued. "Do you remember why you joined us? Must I remind you what is at stake here?"

"Yes," Udina painfully reminisced. "All those years I spent with the Alliance...those sleepless nights trying to advance humanity's power, and those bastards had the audacity...to take away my pension."

"Well," Arterius paused. "I was more referring to the pride you would receive from joining me in seeing us reconstruct the galaxy in the Reapers' image...but yes! That too!" Arterius responded before forcefully grabbing Udina's chin, pulling the Ambassador's face to mere inches away from his own. "You have so much potential, Ambassador. I would hate to see it wasted away by another slip up like this. I have so much to offer you, Udina. Power, money, women…"

"Dental?"

"YES! Even...wait, what?" Arterius uttered as he let go of the Ambassador's face, confused.

"Because the 401k's are pretty terrible, but the Alliance's new dental plan is surprisingly generous."

"Yes...I can get you dental insurance."

"What about the vision?"

"YES!" Arterius fiendishly shouted. "With us ruling the galaxy, nothing can stop us from having the power we desire. I'm so glad you share the same vision I do!"

"No...I don't."

"Huh?"

"That's the problem. I'm near-sighted, so I'll be needing vision coverage when this is over."

"Yes," Arterius laboriously sighed, holding his forehead in his hand. "I can get you vision insurance as well."

"Maternity leave?"

"WHAT?! I hardly see how with so much at stake, you can be thinking about as something as foolish as maternity leave!"

"Pfft. Sexist," Benezia muttered.

"Excuse me?" Arterius asked, addressing the Matriarch.

"It's hardly foolish! Maternity leave is a fundamental women's right, you chauvinistic pig."

"Spirits, please help me," Arterius prayed.

"I mean, us asari live to a thousand years! How long do you think our pregnancies last?"

"I CAN GET YOU ALL THE BENEFITS YOU NEED!" Arterius bellowed, addressing both of his compatriots. "Just go out there and make this...Shepard character won't be a problem any longer."

"Certainly m'lord, but...wait," Udina gingerly spoke up. "There's one more issue I must address."

"Of course. What is it, Ambassador?"

"Does this mean we'll be getting term life insurance?"

"GET OUT!"

* * *

"Too close, Commander," Joker said over the Normandy's intercom. "Ten more seconds and we would've been swimming in molten sulphur. The Normandy isn't equipped to land in exploding volcanoes. They tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull. Just for future reference."

"We almost died out there and your pilot is making jokes?" T'Soni asked.

"Yeah," Shepard replied. "I think he's still salty from the time I put oil on the bottom of his crutches."

"No," Joker seethed, still clearly salty. "But now that you mention it-"

"IT WAS A JOKE."

Joker then disconnected.

"Dick," the Commander muttered to himself.

Shepard, Williams, T'Soni, Alenko, Urdnot, nar Rayya, Engineer Adams, and I all gathered and sat in the Normandy's Comm Room after our narrow escape from Therum, standard fare for after-action debriefings. Here, the crew got the chance to discuss key learnings from the day's mission, as well as prepare plans for future endeavors.

"Engineer Adams," nar Rayya started with suspicion in her voice. "What exactly are you doing here?"

"What? A man can't welcome our newly arrived guest like the proper gentleman he is?" Adams asked before excitedly raising his eyebrows to T'Soni. "And offer her a first-class tour of the ship?!"

"Ohh, why thank you," T'Soni replied. "And yes, when the time is right, I would very much enjoy a tour of the Normandy."

"Ohh, yes. I'll show you the ship. Above...and below deck," the Engineer winked.

"Ugh, yeah," Shepard interrupted. "Before our resident sixty year-old virgin here reaches for his Viagra-"

"Hey!" Adams shouted. "I'm fifty-two-"

"-why don't we pat ourselves on the back for a mission well-accomplished?" the Commander continued. "I thought everything went pretty well, save for a few minor hiccups."

"Commander," Alenko spoke up softly. "You tried to offer me as a slave."

"Exactly, TRIED to," Shepard angrily responded as he turned to face the Lieutenant. "HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU."

"Yes, I am grateful to you," T'Soni cut in. "You saved my life back there, from the collapse, the geth, and perhaps even Saren himself."

"But what exactly did Saren want with you?" I asked. "Do you know something about the conduit?"

"I only know that it was connected to the prothean extinction, my real area of expertise. I have spent the past fifty years trying to figure out what happened to them. You see, when I was completing my post-doc at the University of-"

"Woah, woah, woah, hang on, hang on a second," nar Rayya interrupted. "How long did you say?"

"What? Oh yes, fifty years. I am afraid I am a mere one hundred and six years old."

"Hmm...how...interesting," Engineer Adams nervously said as he looked down at his omni-tool. "Ten o'clock already?! Well, it was nice meeting you. I gotta go stare at that drive core some more!" he shouted as he quickly departed.

"I'm still game," nar Rayya whispered to herself amidst Williams' shuddering.

"Ignore them," Shepard addressed T'Soni. "Anyway, please continue."

"Right...where was I? Yes! My research. It has shown that the protheans were actually not the first civilization to go extinct. In fact, the whole universe seems to be built on a cycle of extinction. Things we credit to the protheans, such as the Citadel and the Mass Relays, seemed to have come before them."

"Shepard," I spoke up. "Now may be a good time to relay that dream that you had the night of Eden Prime!"

"Really?" the Commander asked. "You think it will help?"

"Certainly. I think your dream will help in the discussion of why the protheans went extinct."

"Alright, if you say so," Shepard continued, clearing his throat and standing up, proceeding in a dramatic fashion. "It was a stormy night. I'm reading in nothing but my red, silken robe by my great, oaken fireplace when I hear a knock at the door. I open it to see Nihlus Kryik and his young turian underling, soaking wet and in nothing but jean overalls, holding toolboxes. 'We're here to clean your pipes,' Nihlus says. And I say 'Just the pipes? For how long I've been waiting, I expect the full service.' Nihlus goes 'How can I refuse? Free of charge…' Hot and sweaty, I then throw off my robe-"

"Commander," Williams softly said, her face cherry red. "I think we can skip this part."

"Our tongues battled for dominance as Nihlus scrapes his tantalizingly long talons down my pulsating chest, following my happy-trail all the way down to my-"

"SKIP, COMMANDER."

"Well, y'know," Shepard snapped. "Some in this room might find a little foreplay to be a bit tasteful, but if you really just wanna go for the good stuff-"

"The connection of this story to the protheans must be...fascinating," T'Soni pondered to herself.

"Commander," I gingerly spoke up. "I was more referring to the vision on Eden Prime. The beacon?"

"YOU DID IT AGAIN, COMMANDER," Williams yelled.

"WELL," Shepard angrily replied. "MAYBE SOME PEOPLE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE DAMNED DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DREAM AND A VISION."

The crew held their heads in disgust as Shepard sat back down and cleared his throat once again, disappointed he must now tell a much less exciting story.

"Yes. We encountered some prothean beacon on Eden Prime, a planet we visited when we got word of an attack there and later discovered geth on. When I got close to the beacon, it burned a vision into my brain. It showed me that the Reapers, some sort of sentient machine race, are to blame for the extinction of the protheans."

"Vision," T'Soni nodded her head. "Yes, that makes sense. The beacons were designed to transmit information directly into the mind of the user. The promise of a working one might have been what brought the geth to Eden Prime. Considering the beacons were only meant to interact with Prothean physiology, you must be incredibly strong-willed to have comprehended any of it. I must say, I am thoroughly impressed by your strength and resolve, Commander. I happen to find that very attract-"

"Focus…" Williams, nar Rayya, and I all interrupted, simultaneously.

"Ohh, sorry. The researcher side of me must have gotten the better of me!" the asari exclaimed, blushing. "And as for Saren and the Conduit, I am afraid I have no other information to offer. However, I feel that the safest place for me to be would be on this ship, else Saren may come after me again."

"We'd be delighted!" nar Rayya enthusiastically replied.

"Good," Williams muttered to herself. "Because we needed more disease around here."

"Sure," Shepard said, standing up. "You'd make an excellent addition to the team."

"Thank you," T'Soni graciously responded, also standing up. "Commander. I am very gratef...whoa," the asari suddenly said, holding her forehead and her body starting to sway. "I am afraid I am feeling a bit light-headed."

"When was the last time you ate?" Alenko asked. "Or slept? Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you."

"Yes, I fear I may be in bad shape, and have gone without proper medical attention or care for some time."

"Yeah," the Lieutenant continued. "I know the feeling."

"Perhaps I should eat and rest, maybe that is what is causing my spell."

"Yeah," Shepard said, concerned. "Or maybe the realization that the last fifty years of your life have been an utter fucking waste of time."

"That...may also have something to do with it."

"Let's get you to Chakwas," Alenko stated, getting up.

"Agreed," Shepard acknowledged as he turned to face the rest of his crew. "The rest of you...DISMISSED."

With that, the rest of us gave a mixture of half-hearted salutes and nods before getting up to retire to our quarters, with me heading back down to the hangar and Alenko escorting T'Soni toward the doctor. Only Shepard stayed behind in the Comm Room, lighting up a cigarette.

"Mission reports filed Commander," Joker declared over the intercom. "Want me to patch you through to the Council?"

"Yeah, patch 'em through."

As ordained by the Council during his stay on the Citadel the day before, Shepard was to report to the Councilmembers directly on the latest developments in his quest to find Saren. It would give the Council key information, give them the opportunity to relay equally key information back to Shepard, and, importantly, demonstrated that humanity's one and only Spectre could prove to be a trustworthy and diligent soldier on behalf of all Council Space. Thus, it was important for the reputation of all aboard the Normandy that these talks were cordial and productive.

"We've received your report, Commander," the hologram projection of the Asari Councillor began. "Though...I am still awaiting the typed transcript of your dream the night of Eden Prime."

The Turian and Salarian Councillors began shuddering in disgust.

"I'm working on it," Shepard replied. "Y'know what? I'll just give you the password to my Alliance drive. You can see updates that way."

"Excellent," she smiled.

"Yes...of course," the Turian Councillor cleared his throat. "Anyway, we understand Dr. T'Soni is on the Normandy. I assume you're taking the necessary security precautions?"

"Do I look I was born yesterday?" Shepard asked, taken aback.

"Excuse me?"

"Listen bucko, I just rescued a leading prothean expert, one who also happens to be the daughter of Saren's closest advisor, from a scorching, geth-infested planet faster than it takes an elcor to take a shit-"

"You are free to act as you see fit, Commander," the salarian cut in. "Our role is to offer guidance and advice."

"It's up to you if you're smart enough to list-" the turian continued before being interrupted.

"Oh, I can't be bothered," Shepard scoffed before disconnecting.

"Smooth," Joker said over the intercom before he, too, disconnected.

Shepard angrily took a drag of his cigarette before turning around to the sound of a knock at the door. Williams gingerly poked her head in to the Comm Room.

"Wow," she started. "And people wonder why you aren't a diplomat."

"Yeah. I'd be better than half of these jags."

"Surprisingly, I can't disagree with you on that."

Williams opened the door further to let her slip through into the Comm Room, softly closing it behind her. Hands behind her back, she slowly walked toward an angrily pacing Shepard, furiously smoking his cigarette.

"Listen, Shepard," she continued. "I want to talk to you about what happened earlier today, with the turian."

"I wasn't-" the Commander began defensively, putting his hand up.

"I know, I know," she interrupted him before looking toward the ceiling, taking a deep breath. "I'm just relieved to hear that my Commander is strong, smart, and resistant enough to refuse that snake's charms," she continued as she looked back at Shepard. "I mean, it's obvious what he's doing."

"Well, of course it's obvi..." Shepard then paused. "Wait, snake?"

"Well, yeah!" Williams confirmed. "What did you think I was referring to? Of course I'm talking about his obvious attempts to prove he's superior to you. I mean, think about it. His smarts, his combat prowess, his workout regiment...he wasted no time at all showing that off to you. He's clearly trying to whittle you down, make you feel less so that..." Williams stopped herself, shaking her head. "No nevermind, you probably already know..." she casually uttered before turning toward the door.

"Uhh...yeah," Shepard stuttered. "But you should tell me anyway, just so we are on the same page...obviously."

"Well," the Chief said as she eagerly spun back around toward the Commander. "I was just gonna mention his plot to make you believe he's the better soldier. That way, you step down out of shame and he becomes the new Spectre!"

"NO!"

"YES!" she shouted. "But don't worry Commander, I know you know what you're doing. Obviously, you won't get close enough to him to let that happen."

"Of...course. You're right! That son-of-a..." Shepard stammered, stomping his foot. "I...I WILL NOT BE MANIPULATED!"

"Of course, Shepard," Williams continued before turning back toward the door, hiding the sly and devious smile that was creeping across her face. "I know you won't be manipulated."

* * *

Author Notes: Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did making it! I plan this to be a ten-chapter series where I will cover the events of Mass Effect 1.

Given my current work schedule, I may have to bump my update times to closer to a month, as I do not want to sacrifice neither the quality nor the quanity of my work. However, I will be checking back regularly, so feel free to leave any comments or feedback and I will be sure to respond!

ALSO, I am in the market for a beta-reader :D. If any of you are up for the challenge of making my writing suck less ass, it would be greatly appreciated. PM me or comment and we'll work from there! Also available as AngelArch on AO3


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